List Of Things To Do In 2014

• Treat self to venti frappuccino upon completing this list. None of that skinny shit, either.
• Say “aaaaah” with each sip.
• Leave cup on table. (What, do I work there now? I gotta throw away trash?)
• Post list on office wall next to framed poster of Jaws 3-D.
• Start giving self more credit. In fact, all of it.
• Pay taxes.
• But like, not all of them.
• Rocket to top of field. (Field to be determined. Computers?)
• Once at top of field, become CEO of whatever company leads whatever field I’ve chosen. (Really need to choose field soon.)
• Lure dog into sweater sleeve. Put on youtube.
• Be the mysterious, contradictory CEO. It’s like, “I can’t tell what he’s thinking, but his Jaws 3-D poster is so hilarious.”
• Figure out Noel’s favorite animal and buy creepy giant stuffed one for Valentine’s Day. (If this slips mind, just assume bear.)
• Buy giant bow for giant creepy bear. (Taller than garage?)
• Like Noel’s facebook status about having best boyfriend ever.
• Switch to soy, but only to “be cool,” and switch back when no longer cool.
• Let employees wear green on St. Patrick’s Day.
• Then tell local TV camera crew that “you’ve got to have fun around the office.”
• Bring back fanny packs, but don’t take credit.
• Pick catchphrase and run catchphrase into ground. (“I’m just Big J, and it’s a beautiful day”?)
• Have good cry. 
• Say, “It was raining,” when employees ask about good cry.
• If employees seem accepting of “good cry” as reasonable human activity, admit to it.
• But if they try a good cry themselves, tell them to get the fuck back to work, we don’t pay little pansy asses.
• Tweet more.
• Pray more. (Jesus? Buddha? Figure out difference, if any.)
• Schedule a little “me” time every day. Create event on facebook, invite all friends. (Be sure to make clear that “me” refers to me and not them, that this isn’t their time, it’s mine, so concentrate on me, douche.)
• Curse loudly at mail boy.
• Let mail boy dress as Paul Revere for Memorial Day. 
• Say to Noel before bed, “I’m still foolin’ em.”
• Start pronouncing Tuesday as Tuesdy and see if anyone notices.
• Try oysters.
• Bet all company money on Brooklyn Nets to win NBA Finals, knowing they will lose. This is to set up fall from prosperity and eventual comeback.
• Shrug when people discuss fall from prosperity.
• Walk swiftly past paparazzi with hand over face.
• Move back in with parents.
• Teach mother how to use remote control.
• Run into old friend in dive-bar and have heart-to-heart. 
• Buy new dog and write killer song parodies about dog. Perform songs at open mic comedy nights.
• Chop down father’s favorite cherry tree, repent when confronted, and say, “I can’t tell a lie, Pa.”
• Tweet even MORE.
• Start giving one person one compliment every day. This can be self if not able to think of something to say to another. 
• Actually, just give self one compliment every day. This saves phone calls and thinking.
• Become novelist.
• No, journalist! This will set up return to prosperity.
• Cover both Republican and Democratic National Conventions (happening this year? or next?) and write biting satires of each. Proclaim disappointment in American political system and gain reputation as being someone who “tells it like it is.” Make cover of Time for this and achieve comeback.
• Enjoy post-comeback relaxation day on yacht.
• Oh, yeah. Buy yacht.
• Extend post-comeback relaxation day to week. Get good whore.
• Try new, clever, stuffed animal-themed gifts ideas out on whore to possibly use on Noel.
• If ideas don’t work on Noel, blame whore.
• Dispose of whore. (Help from mob? Sopranos real?)
• Sip pumpkin latte to commemorate autumn.
• Get arrested for protesting war (war to be determined). Turn experience into article, turn article into book, grace cover of Time for second time in year.
• Tweet SO GODDAMN MUCH MORE.
• Give back to community. (Put dollars’ worth of change in Give A Penny/Take A Penny jar at Subway?)
• Receive creepy giant stuffed squirrel with giant bow from Noel for Sweetest Day. Say, "It's not my favorite animal, but close enough."
• Reveal that yes, I am the one who brought back fanny packs this spring.
• Appear as guest judge on one of those annoying music shows where teenagers sing and everyone acts all impressed but there’s really nothing that impressive, cause come on, it’s just a singing voice and it’s not like they wrote the fuckin’ song. (Be the likable judge?)
• Lure dog into Christmasy sweater sleeve. Put on youtube. This is a holiday sequel to previous video. Don’t use the word “Christmas,” that’s racist. (I think?)
• Play major role in Jaws 4-D. (Figure out if 4-D exists)
• Actually, direct instead.
• Actually, just do cameo as Hooper’s quirky cousin, Pooper.
• Pen “Ultimate Tweet” that will have them laughing, crying, and thinking for months.
• Go back one step and pen "Penultimate Tweet" before "Ultimate Tweet."
• Dress as Santa for children, but figure out way to not actually see children. (Green screen?)
• Somehow die excitingly and tragically, right before Jaws 4-D premiere. (Oscar clinched!)
• Make death right after someone less famous dies, so that everyone forgets other guy.
• Posthusmously publish early novel. Somehow write introduction. Dedicate to Jesus. No, Buddha!
• Have brain donated to Harvard. Wake up and say “Boo” when dorky med student is working. (Figure out how to do this. Advanced science?)