It will begin with, “I don’t usually post things like this.” Count yourself lucky that you signed on at such a time that this appeared, and enjoy this insight before I lock up the vault and seal this treasure chest up forever. Can you possibly imagine the grave misfortune of those who do not see my status? They will walk in ignorance for the remainder of time. I’m not just talking about this life. In heaven, hell, or limbo, wherever they end up, someone will invariable say, “And how about Jason’s status, huh? Too bad no one copied it down. Lost forever.” You’ll say, “But.. but... will he write another?” And the man will answer, “Oh no, he doesn’t usually write things like this.”
Now I’ve got some tricks in my back pocket, in case I need them. One such trick is the use of ALL CAPS to hammer home various points of my status’s urgency, such as the word SHOCKED, if it turns out that whatever I decide to talk about is shocking. Look, it will probably be shocking. I’m not gonna talk about something you commoners could have thought of yourself. If it were in regular boring lower case, you might think I am just screwin’ around. Just dickin’ about like a dick. But I am not. Every day I see these lower-case lollygaggers with their boring statuses.
Let’s pause for a brief fable. There was once a lower-case lollygagger, let’s call him James, who wrote Facebook statuses. About what, you ask? NO ONE KNOWS, CAUSE NO ONE READ THEM.
It will be one long paragraph, too, cause my point is important, and I can’t be pressin return like some kind of nerd. “How did I not see this point?” you’ll say to yourself. “So concise. It began with a splash of sarcasm, turned dark, turned light, and ended with optimism. He was not afraid! He had had enough! He knew he might not get through to the other side, but he said it anyways!” In a daze, you’ll stagger outside, not knowing where you are, and you’ll shit your pants. “I’ve shit my pants,” you’ll declare to passersby.
You will have no clue that the last book I ever read was Superfudge in 1994.
Oh, and what Swiftian irony will I employ! References upon references. Will I quote Bob Dylan? You bet your sweet ass I will quote Bob Dylan. And Huang Po too, cause he sounds like he was probably a Zen master or something from a thousand years ago, and they were right about everything. Have you ever known a Zen master to be wrong? Of course not. Well, maybe when they were younger, and they were balancing that bucket on their head and trying to kill a fly with a chopstick. But not when they were older! And quotes from them kick ass, cause everyone knows it’s smart and you are also smart for quoting it, and it’s like you thought of it too. Not you, though. Me. It’s my status. DON’T FORGET THAT.