When I arrived an hour ago, I grabbed this hard, uncomfortable seat in the center because I thought I’d get some good, hard work done on my laptop, and maybe even some random people might see me, think, “Look at that master artist!” and tweet it out. I’d be trending by lunch, and by dinner I’d be toasting martini glasses with intellectuals, saying, “To art!” (pronounced “ahhht”) while wittily critiquing a Terrence Malick film on the back patio. Well, after I checked my e-mail and Facebook, I got depressed and decided hard work sucks and I hate it and now all I want to do is look up some good porn and download it so I can go home and enjoy it there.
You’re not even using the ottoman. Look at that nice, soft ottoman all alone. What am I supposed to do, go to Panera? Pa-NERA? With all the homeless people?
Oh, maybe you think I should head down to the hipstery section of town, and go to an eclectic coffee shop, named after a coffee phrase or pun, like Thirsty Grounds or Morning Brew or Morning Joe or Java Joe or Big Joe’s Cup of Morning Joe & Java.
I bet you think you’re SO great because you have expensive headphones, and I have large green headphones that I got at Five And Below. I’ll have you know that these headphones tied for the most expensive item there.
I bet you’re not even looking up porn. I bet you’re on douche.com, reading an article called ’20 Basic Douche Skills That All Douches Should Have In The Year 2014.’
What, do you think everyone’s looking at you, all impressed that you wear wire-rims and read ‘Infinite Jest’? You aren’t actually reading that. You’re in the middle of it and there are no creases. That book is massive, and if you were actually reading it, it would be all beat up. It’s as massive a book as you’re a massive --
Oh my God. Wow. Just wow. A friend has joined you and is talking. Why don’t you guys grab one of the tables? No, he’s just gonna stand there. Man, I hate his head. I’ve only seen him for the past three seconds but I already just really hate his head. What’s he saying to you? This is how I can only imagine your conversation going:
Your Friend: Hey old friend in the big, comfortable, soft, corner seat that that other guy over there clearly wants, it appears as though you STILL HAVEN’T CUT THAT STUPID FUCKING PONYTAIL.
You: Correct, old friend. Cutting my ponytail might make me not a douche, and being a douche is my livelihood.
Your Friend: You still have your wire-rims, though, and your flannel, and your copy of Infinite Jest that you aren’t reading.
You: That’s true.
Your Friend: You’ll always be a douche.
You (dropping your head down): Thanks, but sometimes... sometimes...
Your Friend: Hey!
Your Friend: Look at me.
Your Friend: Look me in the eyes that are on my dumb, hatable head.
You (looking up meekly): Yeah?
Your Friend: You will always be a douche, and do not, DO NOT, ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Are you not pretending to read David Foster Wallace?
You: I guess...
Your Friend: You ARE. And you’re keeping this ponytail, aren’t you? Look, kiddo, I am proud of you. That guy over there wants your seat, but you just keep sitting here, being a douche. I am proud of you. I believe in your heart and your purpose. If you want, we can start a fundraiser to raise Douche Awareness. Think of all the douches who have come before you and not been properly respected for their douchiness.
You: That’s true.
Technically, I cannot hear you guys, but that’s what was said, I....
Oh no, he’s sitting next to you on the ottoman. He’s taking out a notebook. You guys are gonna study for a test or something!
FOUR HOURS LATER
Hey there, guy in the corner seat. Hey there, guy on the ottoman. It looks like the Starbucks employees are closing up for the night. Mopping up the spilled creamer, straightening the chairs. It’s been a long road. Night time is nigh. The world is a bit older. We’ll all walk to our cars, you two with a bounce in your steps, and me with the sick feeling of defeat in my stomach.
Have I learned anything from today, and do I still hate you?
No, and yes.
SEE YOU TOMORROW AT 8 A.M., DOUCHE.