This isn’t one of those pretend-FAQs, is it? Because I like real FAQs, that answer my frequently asked questions.

This is real, man. Real questions, real answers.

Oh, okay. Who is Jason Moliterno, anyway?

Well, you probably know him. Either you got bored and googled him, or this was linked from his Twitter. Not everyone has a website, so seeing as how Jason Moliterno has a website, I’m thinking that he is quite the accomplished fellow. 

Aren't you him, though? Aren't you just writing in the third person, Jason?

I can prove to you that I am not Jason. Re-read the previous paragraph. It includes the word “fellow.” Would Jason, a young man, use the word “fellow”? Clearly, he would not. Come to think of it, I don’t know how you even thought that to begin with.

Look, buddy, Jason does not use words like “fellow,” and nor has he even ever won a “fellowship.” You know why he hasn’t won a fellowship? I don’t know. To be honest, I should have won one. It's bullshit.

Hey! You just used the word "I". You slipped up and switched to the first person, cause you're Jason!

No, no. This is common among third-person narratives. Have you ever read Finnegan’s Wake? 

No.

Well, let me tell you that during the wake, while Finnegan is in the casket, James Joyce suddenly switches POV and totally starts writing in the first person! “Why the hell isn’t Mary at my wake? I’m here at my wake, and no Mary!” That is a line from the book. It’s true, you can look it up. 

Did Mary ever come to Finnegan’s wake? 

Yes, she did. In spirit. That’s the point. She had been attending his wake for her whole life. We’re always attending everyone’s wake. Think about it. Joyce is deep, man. 

Okay. I’m sorry for lashing out.

You had a hard day.

I did. I thought the maintenance guy was gonna come to my apartment around 1, but it was more like 2. 

Any more questions?

Yes. What is Jason’s favorite Billy Joel instrumental?

Jason's favorite Billy Joel instrumental is Root Beer Rag. He finds it to be very Scott Joplin and a throwback to a forgotten era.

I heard that Jason wrote an unpublished and un-produced screenplay at age 14. What’s the story there? Can I find it anywhere? 

Unfortunately, no. It was written on the second of the Moliterno Family’s three computers, a computer which is no longer with them. Only several things are known about the screenplay: aliens figured prominently; Mr. T made a guest appearance in the 2nd act; Jason didn’t know how to end it, so he wrote himself into the script, and killed all his characters with the gun that had been established in the 1st scene. 

Who is Fatass?

Fatass was a recurring fictional character of Jason’s as a child. He was a fan-favorite and his stories still remain intact on the Moliterno Family’s first computer, which sits in their basement. Fatass owned a pup named Shitdog and enjoyed farting. Jason has not written about Fatass since age 11.

Who is Jason’s favorite US President, pre-reconstruction?

Jason has tremendous respect for the mutton chops of Martin Van Buren, yet his favorite is James K. Polk, for reasons that are very personal.

Is it true that one semester, in college, Jason never even opened two of his textbooks?

Yes. Spring of `05 it was. On one occasion, however, one of the books fell on the ground into an open position; Jason quickly shut it. 

Is it true that Jason had a Bowl Cut all through high school?

No. Jason did away with his Bowl Cut after the eighth grade. 

Shakespeare said that brevity is the soul of wit, so why is this FAQ so damned long?

Aaaaaaaaaand SCENE!

Actually, isn't the FAQ over when I stop asking questions?

Technically, yes.

Is that a theater thing? "And scene"?

Yeah, I'm taking an improv class. I mean, Jason is. Screw you.